Thursday, 5 September 2013

Commitment Issues

I have to admit, and those who know me will surely know this already, I have serious commitment issues.

Not to my (long-suffering) husband of course, I'm utterly and completely committed to him.
But in every other aspect of my life I really struggle.

I had to leave the choir I was a member of at the beginning of the year, as I was finding I was missing about 50% of the rehearsals once I was working again as well.  I just couldn't commit to making weekly rehearsals and in a 20 voice choir, that made a difference.

I tried to commit to weekly board game evenings with friends, or a weekly roleplaying game over skype with a friend where I used to live, but I had to cancel so often I felt like I was messing everyone around so much of the time that I'm not even trying to do those things anymore.

Every time I have to cancel on a friend because of my migraines, I feel like the worst friend in the world and I wonder why people even bother still inviting me to things, why they bother to be my friend when I'm so horribly unreliable.

I book tickets to things which need to be booked in advance with such trepidation, weighing up the cost of the ticket with the likelihood that I will have to cancel and be completely out of pocket, as well as letting down anyone else I was going with.
I can't even book a table in a restaurant for my husband's birthday which is only two days away.

Whenever I do manage to go to something I've had to book in advance, it feels like a massive achievement, something to be celebrated!  Like I've climbed the mountain of commitment and truly conquered it.  Then when I end up failing to make my next commitment, it feels all the worse.

This week, in an attempt at finding a fitness activity that me and my husband would both enjoy and that I felt I was able to do, we have booked some lessons in learning to climb.  They're booked for two hours in the evening for four consecutive weeks starting in a couple of weeks, and I'm nervous already that I'm not going to be able to make this commitment.  To manage to be well enough, not only to go to something, but to be active and alert as well, for four weeks on the trot just seems inconceivable.

I have commitment issues, but I'm trying to carry on living life despite it.

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